Feeling dissonance? How to make things “right”

What do you do when there is dissonance in your life? A lack of inner harmony created by acute or ongoing interpersonal conflict, maybe an unresolved disagreement or dispute, a perceived moral injury, or a personal or large-scale trauma or tragedy?

Internal dissonance is not easy to sit with, and I’ve found there’s a fine line between tolerating discomfort for the sake of processing it and straight up suppressing it. A song by Gillian Welch came on the radio recently, and the chorus struck a chord: “Yeah I wanna do right but not right now.”

Recently when I’ve been struggling with dissonance — things are not “right,” unsettled, something’s gnawing at my conscience — I’ve been grateful to have discovered a practice that helps me find solace and a sense of resolution even while in the midst of processing painful emotions.

The simple and profound practice I’ve been doing is derived from the traditional Hawaiian custom of reconciliation called Ho’oponopono, which can be translated as “make right.” All cultures develop practices for conflict resolution and absolution, and yet this worldview and approach in particular has resonated deeply within me.

In my emerging understanding of this ancient practice, there’s a recognition that everything is connected; the emotions, beliefs, and challenges we struggle with internally are reflected in our external reality. When we witness or experience suffering, within or without, we are invited to take personal responsibility for it. And this helps heal it.

Ho’oponopono entails expressing love, remorse, repentance, and gratitude: “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”

When using this mantra for a healing meditative practice, I first focus awareness in my heart with a few breaths. I notice the rosy glow of love and compassion that originates in the heart, and I let it fill and envelop me. Then from this state I call to mind whatever is the source of discomfort, pain, or friction. It might be a person, an act or behavior, an event, or just a feeling. Then I begin repeating the mantra addressed to that source:

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

If I’m not ready or able to access feelings of true remorse or repentance in that moment, I address the mantra to a more broad “audience.” I love you, world. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve created. Please forgive me. Thank you for granting me forgiveness and grace. I’ve also sat in quiet meditation while letting the mantra resonate around me.

As you might imagine, this is also a deeply healing practice to direct at yourself, especially when struggling with feelings of guilt, shame, or regret. Try addressing yourself in the present, from the past, or at any time. I love you, self. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Just as there is incredible freedom in forgiveness, there is tremendous healing in taking responsibility for suffering and offering up these heart-centered intentions: remorse, repentance, gratitude, and love. It sounds simple, and yet I’ve found it to be transformative. It’s a gift to give and receive.

You are worthy of love, acceptance, grace, and forgiveness. If that feels in any way untrue or inaccessible, please give this practice a try. I would love to hear how it goes.